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November 21, 2005

Toilet Plunging

My toilet clogged this weekend, as it is prone to do. Plunge as I might, it would not unclogg, and for two minutes, I really wished I had a boyfriend again.

Did you catch that? Two minutes. That was it. And then I went out and bought some Liquid Plumber and unclogged it myself and felt competant and proud.

The weeks after Brett dumped me were so gloomy and dangerous; I felt I couldn't get out of bed without cutting myself on some memory. I'd drift into the kitchen for a Diet Coke and suddenly see Brett there scrubbing the new apartment, dusty and furniture-free, on the weekend after I'd signed the lease. The cat would meow and I'd hear the howls she made the whole ride home on the evening Brett and I brought her home. The entire oevre of Stephen Merrit was off-limits for listening because there wasn't a song I hadn't, at one time, heard Brett hum or sing.

In the last two weeks, though, I have been feeling worlds better-- positively cheerful, at times. I am progressing in both Leaps and Bounds. I'm not calling him anymore. I have nothing to say to him. I can bop along to Neutral Milk Hotel again and not let myself get pulled back to the summer we exchanged love letters and favorite songs from New York and Berlin.

What has changed? I have discovered the key to good cheer, and it is Hate. You see, I have moved past the stage of Grief and Pining and onto the stage of Anger and Hate. This Hate has grown from the tiniest pinprick of light to a glorious flame. Like a miracle, a fire that devours up the wet leaves and rotted wood. It burns so cleanly and makes the world sharper and clearer. It makes me feel better.

So I guard it against any kindness that could dampen it; I keep it to myself and I nurture it. It, in turn, rips through vestigial longing, repels tender memories, and gets me through the day. Whistling, even.

Posted by hissycat at November 21, 2005 03:14 PM

Comments

Good post. You should keep writing about it.

Posted by: Karin at November 22, 2005 07:02 PM

in order to get over someone, you either have to 1) find someone new or 2) hate the person. there is no other way.

a little violence (chocolate syrup on a truck, anyone?) helps, too.

Posted by: cheryl at November 23, 2005 12:20 AM

He that never climbed never fell... Paschall

Posted by: Paschall at November 30, 2006 11:43 AM

Posted by: sex mpegs at December 3, 2006 05:40 PM

Posted by: sex mpegs at December 3, 2006 05:44 PM

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