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October 14, 2005

I'm A Man, Not A Lesbian

Best Craigslist post ever:

Dear Paula-

I want you to know you're very special to me, but I have a confession to make. I'm not really a woman. Yes, that's right. I know it's horrible, but you're in love with a man.

You must have known it, in your heart. Didn't you wonder about the ferocious leg stubble? The deep voice? The five o'clock shadow? The consuming interest in sports? The chest hair and, perhaps most telling of all, the fact that I always wanted to be the bus-driver? Honey, baby, sugar-melons...what you felt was original equipment, not plastic. Does that make it any less magical? Not to me. I could tell you liked it by the way you yelled and wiggled.

I hope we can get past this somehow. I really do care for you. I want you to know that in my heart I'm a woman, and never more so than when I'm with you. Your Donna is still right here, in this body. Does it matter what's on the outside? Does it really matter?

Ask yourself this. If I wasn't a lesbian, meaning you, and you were, meaning me, and I, meaning you, didn't even have a dog, which is how we met in the marina this past spring, meaning us, not you and the dog, when your frisbee hit me in the balls, would it matter at all which one of us was a man, even if both of us were? And the dog is a male anyway, you can love him, why not me? I mean not why can't I love the dog. I do, he just doesn't like me because of the thing with the squeaky mouse and the hot plate. Do you see what I'm driving at here?

Call me, sugar-melons

Don(na)

Posted by hissycat at October 14, 2005 01:14 PM

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