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September 21, 2005
"The Three S's: Self-Indulgent, Solipsistic, and Sophmoric"
There are times when I feel too rotten and blue to will myself out into the world. I allow myself to slump alone in my dirty apartment when it would be far more beneficial to force myself out the door and into some boozy establishment of sociability.
Then there are times when I shouldn't be let out, and I go out anyway I pay; when I push myself stinkingly into the midst of cheerful company when where I ought to be is backed into the white-tiled corner of the shower stall, my dorsal plane flush against the uncomfortably cold ceramic and my front side under the scalding spray of the shower, getting sanitized. Or at the keyboard, working till the darkness lightens to a productive, mechanical blank, pouring amber drinks that attaining such a state may require. Or drinking in the green arm chair and reading me out of myself. Or sleeping it off.
Tonight was the latter. Having slept three hours Monday night, I was already dizzy with sleep deprivation by the time I was home. Twice I almost dropped my face into my Weight Watchers SmartOnes microwave dinner. The utter inefficacy of everything I tried to do at work left me feeling raw and cranky. I should have stayed home and tried to catch up on work work or else work on my work (i.e. my writing) so as to recover some modicum of self-respect. Instead, I went to Tess's movie night. I was too tired to have a nice time, and the pleasantness of everyone there just made me more aware of all the ways I fail as a person. I'm pretty sure I've gotten too fat to be taken out for viewing. Sitting there with all the same faces I sat with a year ago this time, I felt like a car that had stalled on a hill and after some time of merely slowing was now actually fast and wildly rolling backwards. I feel the extra mass of me everytime I move. I must have tacked on fifteen pounds in the last four months. I feel like I'm an embaressment to Brett. A year ago, in front of all the same people, he had a fresh, thin, new girlfriend to trot out before the people he knows and to desire and be proud of, and that's not what I am anymore. I've swelled and decayed like the wood boards of an unvarnished boat abandoned in a body of water.
I ought to go to sleep now. I know this. I state this to myself, but doing so seems to awaken me to every scrap of my worthlessness. I haven't written that review that I wanted to write. I haven't written that article. I haven't finished those stories that are longing for completion. I haven't written that novel. I haven't written those blog posts I've been meaning to and soon my thoughts will be outdated. I haven't written letters to all the people who have written letters to me and are awaiting my reply. I've a stack of books from here to next Thursday I want to get through. There are articles and reports I should read. There is work on the website that needs to be done. And I am still behind in my work work.
The supervisor, who finally gave me a timetable and assignments, is not happy. In fact, I would not be surprised if I was fired. I don't want this job, it's true, but I also don't have anything else. I need to make an effort. Things need to be pulled together.
Posted by hissycat at September 21, 2005 12:22 PM
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