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August 15, 2005
Gray As Pigeons
Oh, yucky morning. The sky is gray as pigeons, and the wholeworld wants to be in bed today. Brett's bed is so perfect foravoiding the world: it is big; with soft, soft sheets; and a puffycomforter that buffers me from the cold and noisy world. I didn'twake up to notice Brett leaving. I guess he forgot to re-set thealarm or something, because the first thing I remember from thismorning is Tamara standing over me and shaking me awake. I wasconfused from the dreams I was having, and it took me long seconds tofigure out where I was, who Tamara was, and why she was shaking meawake. In one of my dreams, I had been living in the studioapartment in my parents' house. I wanted to smoke a cigarette,but I didn't because I couldn't let my mother see me. I couldn'tfigure out how I'd gotten back to New York. I wondered whereBrett was and whether he could smoke there. I thought he probablycould, and I was angry at myself for renting a studio in my parents'home.
I've been dreaming a lot about New York recently. Yesterdayevening as I walked West on 16th Street, I had the thought, I don'tthink I will ever get used to how empty streets are in San Francisco.You can go whole blocks without passing anyone. There is none ofNew York's throbbing, chaotic density of lives. I miss that. And, I miss the heat, the Tasti-D-Lite, the warm fleshynights. I miss the Chinese food, green gyoza, and sushi fromEmpire Szechwan on Seventh Avenue. I miss yellow taxis, andevery time I ride the Bart or Muni, I think, "poor, thin substitute,"and have pangs of longing for the New York subway. I misscrowds. I miss thronged streets at night, and I miss thetightly-packed masses, sweating, and roasting, and rolling up pant legsto wet their calves in the fountain spray, in Washington SquarePark on the weekends. I miss delivery, and I miss the convenienceand niceness of partially-prepped ingredients from Citerella and FreshDirect. I miss the Jefferson Market Library; I miss stopping onits steps to tie a shoe or eat a melting cone of Tasti back under mycontrol; I miss the tower and clock. I miss the pace of NewYork, how easy it is to become anonymous, how nice it is to be part ofthe world and think about how if you stepped out of it, you wouldn't bemissed. It is comforting to be surrounded by so many lives, suchbusy creatures, scurrying and leading their lives. It's the rightkind of loneliness that I have then. I miss decent pedicures andwaxing. I miss good museums and abundant theater and book readings andpublic lectures; I miss knowing that they are there for me to go to ifthat is what I choose, and that if I fail to properly be intheworldthecity, the loss is felt only by me. I miss street fairsand Summer Stage, concerts in Prospect Park, the free open-air moviesin Bryant Park. I miss all the people, and kinds of people, Ihate: pointy-shoed girls; and crusty-haired boys; and hipsters withtrust funds; and all the ingenues and prodigal sons and authors withfamily in the industry; businessmen that yell into cell phones as theystep ahead of you to steal your taxi; people who think they areimportant, people who can't believe in a world beyond Manhattan, andthe entire population of the Upper East Side; yuppie vermin thatdescend on dowtown Friday and Saturday nights, in their expensive jeansand satiny, bias-cut halter tops, starched collar shirts with twobuttons open. I miss bars on Atlantic Avenue. Delis, all ofthem, I miss. And the way the best-dressed people dress. Imiss the beautiful, attractive, striking, well-groomed; I miss watchingpretty people, I miss staring at them. I miss looking overthe calender of events in Time Out New York or the Village Voice andthink about all the things that are going on in the world, how big andhow small theworldthiscity is; it feels like one could do anything solong as one goes places and does things and participates in the world.I miss the sheer amount of New York, how much of it there is.
I wanted to come into work brimming with purpose and drive andefficiency. I wanted to get right down to work, very focused, nodistractions.
Instead, there are these clouds. I feel slow and stupid and helpless today and soaked in confused, directionless desires.
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Posted by hissycat at August 15, 2005 12:17 PM
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